I called the inpatient clinic and they said it will be a couple of weeks. I’m so scared. On one hand it makes me want to exercise every second of the day and night and not eat anything. But then on the other hand I really wish I could keep something other than fruit and occasionally carrot sticks with a little avocado and some low fat cottage cheese or low calorie bread with nut spread, but even those are so challenging right now.
When I’m with my boyfriend I can manage so much more. It’s hell at times but I know that he’s there for me, that if I’m really struggling I can tell him and he’ll distract me and say beautiful things and even though it’s still there in my mind.. Having him there with me reminds me of what I really want, of why I’m trying to fight against it. I still find it really hard to talk to him about it at times, but I’ve never been this honest with anyone before, and it feels really good. Even when I purge, which is rare when we’re staying together and always when he’s not home, I tell him about it.. It’s the hardest thing in the world to admit. And it breaks my heart to see how sad it makes him, but he’s always glad that I told him. It’s really amazing to be able to trust someone with this who is so close to my heart.
I need to do this, for months now I’ve been unable to leave the house most of the time, I’ve been so depressed and relapsing harder and harder.. I’ve lost contact with countless friends and lost opportunities and I am too tired and consumed by my eating disorder and simultaneous warranted fear for my life.
I almost died after my last relapse. I came so close to never walking out of that hospital 3 1/2 years ago. And in that moment when they rushed my then boyfriend out of the room as teams of ICU doctors and nurses poured in and stuck needles and stickers and monitors over every inch of my seizing body, all I could think was, “Fuck! No! I don’t want to die.” I had spent the last 6 years convinced that I didn’t care if I died, a lot of that time wishing for it, working for it, pushing my body to such extremes.. It changed things. I can’t go back to that life. It means losing mine.
I wish I were a better friend, I always get sucked into my illness and let everyone down. And I guess I’m just lazy and selfish, I’ve heard that about myself enough to recognise that it’s true. These truths are hard to swallow, but maybe in the long run it’ll make me a better person. Right now I just want to implode.
How much is a gram?
Shit, Depends on what you want..